Out With The Old

2009 was sure a crappy year, huh? Am I right, people? Am I right!? We're still at war, unemployment is over 10%, and we lost one of the great icons of American culture, Billy Mays. Maybe you lost your job this year, or your house, or your spot on Rock of Love. But hey, 2010 is a new year. Your year. The year everything changes and becomes totally awesome! The year you finally lose that last, stubborn 87 pounds. The year your supervisor finally recognizes your contribution to the Wal-Mart family and you say GOOD BYE to the temp agency. The year Jessica Alba writes on your wall.

And what better way to ring in the new than by wheeling out that perennial fountain of youth, Dick Clark! For nearly 40 years, Dick has reminded America and the world that, with enough money and silicone, you can pretend that you are not another year older and still in debt. Happy New Year!

He tried. He failed. Can we move on?

Resolutions for 2010

1. Drink more.
2. Care less.
3. Lose 15 ounces.
4. Finish Brittany Murphy shrine.
5. End the Fed.
6. Legally change name to Fartin' Luther King.
7. The Olsen Twins, One Cup.
8. Chillax.

Merch

Send me $2, and I'll send you a sticker (towel not included).

The Oughts

It's that time of year when talk shows and "evening magazine" programs dust off the bullshit they've been peddling for the past ten years and re-package it as nostalgia, the way a dog will sniff its own turd then eat it. It's going to be a hard sell this time around because nothing has happened in America that I care to remember with any fondness. But hey, I don't want to rain on everyone's parade, so I thought I'd jump in and do my own "look back at the stories that shaped our lives" in the oughts:

9-11. War. Economic collapse.

Thanks for watching.