Police Academy 8: Lights, Camera...

If someone is dumb enough to send a mass email calling a black professor a "banana-eating jungle-monkey," I guess we shouldn't be surprised when he issues a statement saying he didn't mean it "in a racist way." Isn't there an IQ test to become an officer of the law? Not in Boston I guess.

And not in Florida either.

Dear "Birthers,"

Die. Please. You are the worst and most embarrassing kind of American - ignorant and yet self-righteous. Despite repeatedly being shown Obama's birth certificate and birth announcement on every network (including FOX), you cling to the last dried-up pellet of bullshit that allows you to broadcast your thinly veiled racism in public.

And just admit it - it's racism. Arnold Schwarzenegger was born in Austria and is the governor of California. Not Rhode Island, California. It's perfectly legal to be foreign-born and become the governor of a state, but he has an accent and holds the same position Reagan once did, so why aren't you interrupting town hall meetings demanding he be deposed and deported? Oh that's right, he's white, and you own Kindergarten Cop on DVD.

But perhaps you didn't know Schwarzenegger was not American by birth, or maybe even that he was a governor, because you never bothered to put down the bowl of Easy-Mac and tater tots long enough to turn off WWF and pay attention until a darkie in a suit was in charge of shit.

Whut! I hear he's gone force me tuh git ma shots!

Obama is an American. He's an American in name and in practice because he took advantage of what this country had to offer and made something of himself and eventually won the highest office in the land - despite racist fucks like you. Even John McCain said, during the fucking campaign, Obama is American - or is McCain just another part of that vast conspiracy to keep Whitey down?

Obama is not a foreigner. The earth wasn't created in 6 days 6000 years ago. You're not going to wake up one day and find that all the fags have been rounded up or that all the beaners have been sent home. And Roe vs. Wade will never be overturned. Why? Because that's what keeps you coming to the polls. The Party of God has been in charge 20 of the last 30 years, and they didn't do it. Didn't even try. Don't you get it?

The Norman Rockwell / Thomas Kincade America of your fantasies will never exist and never did. Sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to settle for living in a country where people have rights and anyone - theoretically at least - can be president. Except you. You're too stupid.

The Lard Channel

TLC has announced plans for yet another fatty show, One Big Happy Family, a reality show about a fat family being fat and trying to be less fat. The suits at the network are comparing it to Little People, Big World - you know, real nice folks ill-suited for the society they live in, their trials and travails, and...puke...I can't even finish the sentence. I'm no underwear model myself, and I don't have anything against fat people just for being fat. It's fat people who let their teenage kids plump up to a ripe 340 pounds just in time for prom then whine and play the victim card who piss me off. You're not "big-boned," and obesity is rarely the result of being dealt a losing genetic hand. It's the result of eating shit and sitting on your ass. You shouldn't get a show for endangering the lives of your children - you should get a visit from Social Services.

Everyone stresses out about "anti-oxidants" and "fatty acids" and "carbohydrates," crap our grandparents didn't even know existed, as if they're going to die of ass cancer at 47 if they don't get the numbers just right. Atkins convinced millions of self-loathing fatties - twice - that bananas should be avoided. When someone shows me a family of obese monkeys, I'll give that some thought. Potatos are evil? Tell that to the Irish. Entire populations of humans thrived for millenia without even knowing oranges existed, and we buy bottles of vitamin C by the case.

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people can be about food. I know Sausage Egg McMuffins with Cheese taste good - hell, I'll probably eat one before the end of 2009 - but I also know that anything that contains products from three different animals, is shipped from 1000 miles away and still costs $1 probably shouldn't be a regular part of my diet. That goes for anything in a box that contains ingredients I can't pronounce. But I'm in the minority, I guess, because apparently so many Americans are fat fucks now that a reality show about other fat fucks seems like a good idea. On The LEARNING Channel, no less. If you're looking forward to learning something from this show, sell your TV, hang a mirror in it's place, then sit down and look at it for half an hour. End of lesson.

Random Stuff

It's late notice, but I'm heading up to Champaign in a couple hours to do Memphis On Main's weekly comedy night. I've got a few new things to work out for the show in Anderson, IN Friday - or a few things to toss in the garbage, depending on how it goes. Probably I'll be trying out the new material to half a dozen comics and the bar staff, which is no way to figure out anything, but whatever.

...

In other news, I got summoned for jury duty. Of course, the trial dates are the dates I'm scheduled to be in Iowa and Minnesota, so I'm going to have to dress nice and convince someone at the court house that my livelihood will be seriously jeopardized if I don't spend a weekend telling dick jokes up north.

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Last but not least, this beauty -

- is now en route to my house. My buddy Jake just opened a vinyl shop here in town, so it's time to break out the turntable and get a proper system together again. Believe it or not, you can still get almost anything on vinyl for not much more - and sometimes even less - than the CD, and lots of labels are re-issuing their entire catalogs.

In my opinion, vinyl sounds better than plastic - the sound is bigger, warmer. And since the claim that CD's can't be scratched or destroyed has long been proven to be a bunch of marketing bullshit, I'm rebuilding my vinyl collection. Besides, the art is better. No one has yet figured out a way to make CD packaging something pleasurable to hold in your hands, look at, and read.

Business As Usual

Watch the whole thing...

Quit? You betcha!

I stopped giving a rat's ass about Sarah Palin last November 5th. I don't think she'll ever be able to resurrect her image enough to have any serious chance at national politics. Since her surprise resignation as Governor of Alaska Friday, the bobble-heads on TV have been foaming at the mouth about what it means. Is she making some big political move? Is she getting a show on Fox? Is she pregnant? Is there a scandal? The scandal is that anyone still aims a camera at this blathering, incoherent twit.

I don't care why she quit, but the fact that she made the announcement on the Friday before a holiday weekend suggests - at least - that there's something she wants to avoid dealing with. And that would be consistent with her character - having quit as mayor of Wasilla before her term was up, refused to be coached on national and international issues during the campaign, and famously avoided as many interviews as possible while on the presidential ticket.

Maybe she read this (or had it read to her), and in a rare moment of clarity decided to spare the people of Alaska, and the Republican Party, any further embarrassments. After this one, anyway.

What's kind of entertaining is that very few Democrats have said much about this, leaving the Republicans to publicly shrug their shoulders in a collective, prime-time "What the fuck?"

And yes, that's a real, undoctored photo. Truth in advertising, I say.