DAN TESSITORE

Rather than charge Kiefer Sutherland with assault for head-butting fashion designer Jack McCullough, New York City should give Sutherland a parade, a Key to the City, and a lifetime free pass to The Emperor's Club.

The fact McCullough made the claim at all, when all he suffered was a small cut on his face, demonstrates just what a prima donna pussy he is. Why didn't he just punch Kiefer back? Because it would break the line of his jacket? Fashion designers top my personal list of people whose sense of self-importance is inversely proportional to the worth of their efforts. They design unwearable travesties for anorexic European teenagers to display on runways and unaffordable travesties for celebrities to display on red carpets. They are celebrities only to other celebrities, which places them among the most disconnected and frivolous human beings on the planet. They should all be head-butted on principle.

With one exception: Mark Nason, creator of God-like boots for mere mortals. One day, when I have no outstanding bills and $500 to burn, I will own a pair of Mark Nasons, even if only for the stage. Not to mention the fact that not a few women instantaneously shapeshift into sexual animals when in the presence of quality footwear - men's or their own. Case in point: A woman once insisted that I take her to her place before taking her to my place because she wanted to get the heels that matched my couch.

That one's going in the memoir.

Anyway, Jack, the next time you get a boo-boo while clubbing with your B-list actress client, instead of calling the police, design a state quarter and call your mom.

Asshole.