DAN TESSITORE

The last time I entered a Subway was out of desperation and limited options. As I watched the pimple-faced teenager carefully laying out those stupid little triangles of cheese that barely add up to a single slice, I wanted to find out which Subway sandwich engineer came up with this shit and mail him anthrax. I can see him now, standing in the test kitchen at HQ, surrounded by the head honchos and demonstrating how one piece of cheese can be made to cover twelve inches of ham. He probably got a small smattering of applause, a promotion, and a nice bonus for figuring out how to rip off the hungry.

That said, Subway has earned minor hero status with me by not dropping Michael Phelps over this marijuana thing. I'm not even a huge fan of the stuff, but it's 2009 and time to acknowledge the fact that it is a PLANT that has never killed anyone and should be - at the very least - decriminalized. It appears that a lot of Americans agree because this story isn't getting a lot of traction, despite the media's best efforts to sensationalize it. Phelps is a gold-medal-winning motherfucker and sure as hell is a lot healthier than Jared. Good for you, Subway. Maybe I'll pop in for a soda.