DAN TESSITORE

Does anyone really, truly, care about the Oscars anymore? In my lifetime the Academy Awards have been a history of travesty. Scorsese got nothing until The Departed. Titanic won it all. David Lynch has barely been acknowledged. I predict Slumdog Millionaire will sweep this year, not because it's a great movie but because it's about a poor brown person beating the odds, and there's nothing Hollywood likes better than broadcasting its social conscience.

I'm against competitions of any kind when it comes to the arts, but the Oscars are easily the most worthless. At least a Pulitzer can earn a previously obscure but talented writer a larger, well-deserved audience. The Oscars mostly reward films that have already succeeded wildly. Yeah they throw a couple bones to foreign films and shorts and give a few statues to the folks who actually know how to work the cameras, but generally, the awards follow the money.

Hey, congratulations on making a multi-million-dollar-grossing film. Here's a statue or two that will guarantee future millions and a place on the "new release" wall at Blockbuster for 11 months.

I haven't watched the Oscars in years, and I won't be watching this year either. I'll be too busy masturbating in front of a mirror.