Mar 2, 2010
You have to admit, February was a great month for fans of pretending to care about hockey. Our imported players ended up losing to Canada's imported players, but at least we Americans proved - just as we did with education and health care - that no one is better than we are at being second-rate.
In other sports news, Tiger Woods finally delivered his long unwanted apology for being the most successful athlete ever to have a penis. Personally, I don't feel Tiger owed me an apology at all. His sex life is no one's business but his and Nike's.
It was also the month that the New Orleans Saints won their first ever Superbowl, thus relieving the guilt of every American who didn't lift a fucking finger after Katrina. Thank you Saints! That was weighing on my mind.
To be honest, though, this was the first Superbowl in years where I actually knew who was playing before game day. I gave up on pro sports when, in early 1984, I watched the first footage of the Colts skipping town (in the middle of the previous night) as I sprinkled sugar on my Cheerios. Oh, you mean someone can just buy your local team? OK. Fuck you then. I failed to see the point in team loyalty after that. Besides, I had just gotten my learner's permit and had more important things to worry about than football. Like vagina.
But by far the biggest story in sports this year has to be the complete failure of Team USA to advance in professional Suicide Attacking. Joe Stack's bid for American dominance ended in failure when his kamikaze dive into an Austin, Texas IRS office failed to rally the enthusiasm that Team Al-Qaida garnered with its surprise upset late in the 2001 season. Up and coming domestic terrorists, take note. Don't waste valuable training time writing long-winded, incoherent manifestos. Just do it.





